Insulating Power of Water

Alright, so I admit it that I was wrong about the new Radiohead album. It sucks. Yet there has been some amazing new music this year. Not the least of which has been the rise of Future Islands. These guys sound like some direct link to the past and the days of progressive rock hybridized with New Order beats. Their latest album is filled with 80's style lyrics as well, with love and longing being a reoccurring theme. I must admit that it is refreshing to see the return of affect to music, emotion being something that has been missing in the cultural sphere for too long. I know that it feeds my romantic side, something that I have been attempting to destroy as a means to become stronger as a person, but I can't help but love this stuff. Lyrics such as the following from "Before the Bridge" touch on eternal concerns:

I hope you have what you need
I hope the moon is listening
I hope you have what you need
I gave you soul and body

And if things had changed
I would have buried you deep in my heart
And if things had stayed the same
I would have carried you as far as the sky

Who has not felt something along these lines? Even if love is not real and was always a figment of our imagination, the feelings are palpable and very real. I had someone in my life once, and it is songs like this that make me think back to how amazing our shared experiences were and to wonder how she is doing now. It is a shame that one of the realities of life is that good things will always leave one's life. Or worse, the people you loved may have never felt the same connection that you had been so sure was there. Why is it that one cannot feel whole again after such an experience? Will it ever get to a point where you do not think of them and long for their touch, to see into their eyes again and share an unspoken feeling just one more time?

I was lying in the bath today, and was bored so I pulled my head under the water. It is strange how lying there in that aquatic bubble has the effect of emphasizing one's isolated consciousness. You can hear your heart beat, you become aware of your thoughts, you become aware that you are truly alone. It is a strangely sad and exhilarating feeling, being so alone. It is what makes us feel lonely and yet what also causes us to seek out the company of others in the first place.

I was thinking of changing the name of this blog to "why can't I get laid?" It is weird, but ever since my last relationship I just can't bring myself to go all the way through with sexual intercourse with another person. Oh sure, I have had a few make out sessions here and there, but for some reason there is an unspeakable fear that washes over me and I always have to pull away. It is something that I am becoming so focused on, because my God do I miss sex. But at the same time I don't want to have to go through anything like what has happened in these past couple of years ever again. To lose something that created so much meaning in the world, and to have the world turned into this weird gray-scale place where nothing pops anymore, it is the most terrible thing that can happen to a hopeful, loving mind.

I finished my comprehensive exam yesterday and had everyone from my program over for a drunken barbecue. Thank God for friends, and for loneliness pushing us to extend our friendship in return.